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A Reasonable Solution

David Kanady


A Reasonable Solution, or 
A Modest American Proposal 

Dedicated to the memory of the 
Honorable Jonathon Swift, 
Irishman, Poet, Satirist, and Theologian 

The United States is a country that must be inhabited by Americans. No longer can we allow people who are not of “True American Descent” to pollute the bloodlines of our nation. A problem has arisen in the United States in the past 226 years. This problem is the rising numbers of immigrants, both legal and illegal, who have come to live within her borders. These people are reputed to make up a large part of the rising number of unemployed and welfare dependent who are living in America. People have proposed solutions to the problem of immigration to our nation, but do they go far enough? After all, the nation does not need anyone to perform the menial tasks, Americans think they are too good to perform.

Even before the tragedy that took place upon American soil on September 11, 2001, there were a large number of American citizens calling for the country to close her borders to all who were not of American ancestry. Following the terrorists attacks that shocked the American public on September 11, an even larger number of the citizens of the United States have called for America to close her borders to all immigrants, regardless of their nationality or religious beliefs. Other Americans have called for more drastic measures, including deporting all people of Middle Eastern or Arabic descent, and of all people who practice the faith of Islam since it was people of this ancestry and belief who were responsible for the attack on innocent Americans. Forget the fact that a large number of the ancestors of the same people who are calling for the deportation of Muslims came to the U. S. to escape religious persecution or for the opportunity to practice their religious beliefs freely. However, considering the state of affairs in the world today, is closing the borders to future immigrants and deporting people of Arabic descent or Islamic faith enough of an action, or should America take larger steps to provide for her protection? The answer to this question is “yes”; America must take more severe actions to ensure that such acts will never happen on her shores again.

The action that the United States must take to ensure Her security is quiet simple. The nation must not only close Her borders to all new immigrants, but must also deport all people in the country who are not of “Pure American Ancestry.” By taking such severe actions, the country can protect herself from all future threats from those who do not possess the blind love that American citizens treasure. While some may say that such actions are drastic and irrational, remember that Jonathon Swift considered using the children of the poor in Ireland for food.

To protect our country, we must begin by rounding up the first generation immigrants, both legal and illegal, and deport them from the United States. These people were not born in the United States and have no business suckling at her honey-dipped breast. None of these immigrants will wish to leave, and any number of them will claim that they face political persecution in their homeland, but we as a nation cannot worry about the freedom or life of a few, if we wish to maintain the freedom and safety that we have known for the last 200 plus years. Remember the Bill of Rights to our Constitution guarantees every American citizen the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” If we are living in fear because of the unwanted and unwelcome immigrants within our country, we do not have these basic rights that we hold so dear.

Once we have removed all new immigrants from the United States, we must then begin to take actions to remove the American born children of such immigrants. For too long this country has allowed the children of immigrants to become American citizens based solely on the fact that they were born in the United States. How can we know that such people's loyalties lie with the United States and not with the homeland of their parents? Since there is no way we can know where these citizens' loyalties rest, the best answer is to deport them to the homeland of their parents as a measure of protection for the rest of the country.

These first generation American citizens will argue that since they were born within the borders of this Great Nation they are entitled to all the rights and protections offered Her citizens. We must remember that the children of immigrants who lived as American citizens perpetrated many of the worst actions taken on American soil. The children of Irish immigrants perpetrated the uprisings by the group known as the Molly Maguires in the late nineteenth century. What does it matter that the riots and other actions taken by the Molly Maguires were the result of the low pay and dangerous working conditions they were forced to endure? We have their whiskey and potatoes; there is little else that we need. In addition, when we look at the gang wars of the early twentieth century, again it is the children of immigrants who are involved in these wars. It is the children of Italian immigrants and the children of Irish immigrants who were running the gangs responsible for bootlegging alcohol and perpetuating violence in the streets of the major cities of the United States. Considering the children of immigrants committed such acts of violence, it behooves us to deport such threats to our safety. You have served your purpose here well; many among us have learned to grow your grapes and manufacture your wine. There are also those within our ranks who have learned to cook the luscious rich dishes from your homeland, and that is all we ever really needed from you.

Since only people of “Pure American Ancestry” can truly be considered American citizens, all generations of adopted citizens must be removed. Anyone whose family name appears on the role at Ellis Island or any other immigration listing must return to his or her family's country of origin. The reason for this is simple: considering that your forefathers were not American born you cannot be considered of “Pure American Ancestry.” I know that we invited you to this country, but, after all, it is a woman's prerogative to change Her mind.

Those who now reside in this nation who are the decedents of the chattel brought to Her shores to perform manual labor on Her cotton plantations in the South must also depart. You can claim that it is not through any fault of your own that you have come to live in this nation, but since your ancestors are not of “Pure American Blood” you can no longer bask in her glory. You too must return to the country of your forefather's origin. The fact that this country was built on the blood, sweat, and tears of your ancestors has nothing to do with your eligibility to remain in the nation. Therefore, we give you a hardy “Thank you” for all that you have contributed to the United States. Keep all your traditions that we so enjoy and send you on your way.

The people of Asian ancestry who now reside in the United States will also be returned to the land of your fathers. It does not matter that your ancestors are largely responsible for the building of the railroads that link the great nation; since they migrated to Her shores from a foreign nation, we can no longer welcome you among her people. Just be sure and leave us the recipes for the food that we have come to like so well.

In addition, all people of Hispanic descent will also be removed from within the borders of the United States. While many of you claim to have a stronger claim to the land in the Southwestern United States and to have lived within the country longer than any American, you do not possess the “Pure American Ancestry” required to live within the country. As such, we shall remove all people of Hispanic descent to Mexico, after which we will no longer worry about where you came from or where you belong. After all, you are all Mexicans to us anyway. Your services are just no longer required in our great nation. We have learned to grow chili peppers and use them to cook your spicy dishes, and we can import your tequila and beer from Mexico, so I guess this is adiosto you all.

Considering that the United States only desires people of “Pure American Ancestry” as Her citizens, all people whose forefathers came to reside in the country at any time following the Revolutionary War must also be deported. The reason for this is simple: your ancestors were not born in the United States, and, therefore, you cannot be considered to contain “Pure American Blood.” For this reason, we must return you to Italy, Spain, Scotland, France, Germany, or whatever country your ancestors come from. Never mind that you have served the country in Her time of need, and that so many of your forefathers have given their lives for the beliefs that this nation was founded on. Oh, and by the way you Germans, be sure and leave the instructions for brewing beer.

Since the descendants of people who came to the United States after She had received Her independence from England are to be deported, it is only fair that the descendants of any person who came to live in the United States while She was still a colony of Great Britain be deported as well. While it is true that you can make the claim that your ancestry in America predates the formation of the country itself, you really cannot claim to be of “Pure American Ancestry.” Therefore, you too must be deported since you do not fit the prerequisite to become a full member of our society. It does not matter that it was your forefathers who were responsible for the founding of the United States. The point is that at some point in your family's history, they were immigrants, and we, as a nation, cannot allow any immigrant to remain in the nation.

This leaves two distinct groups of people living in the nation: the descendants of the original European colonists and the “Native Americans” who inhabited the land before the colonists' arrival. However, taking into account the fact that one of these groups contains the descendants of European citizens, all members of this group must also be deported from America's shores. It does not matter if your ancestors were Spanish, English, French, or Dutch. Since they were not of “Pure American Ancestry,” neither are you. You have no more claim to the rights and privileges afforded people within this land than any other immigrant. Just because your forefathers were the first immigrants does not give you any privilege that is not afforded all immigrants.

For this reason, it appears that the nation we now call the United States must be returned to the “Native Americans” who were the first to inhabit Her boundaries. These people lived on this land long before the arrival of the European invaders. Yet, their ancestors were not born in the United States. They migrated from Siberia and Asia Minor to inhabit the land mass that we now call the United States. Therefore, it will be necessary for all “Native Americans” to leave the country as well. Not even you, who have lived on this land the longest, can make the claim of possessing “Pure American Ancestry.”

I realize that many of the people who have come to live in the United States now possess such mixed ancestry that you cannot claim to come from any one ancestral background. This is not our problem, the only way that we can resolve this problem is to allow you to choose one of your ancestors' countries of origin and deport you there. Since we must complete the deportation of all immigrants in a timely and organized manner, we cannot be bothered with deciding exactly to what country you belong.

For those of you who believe that I will benefit in any way from this deportation act, let me first state that I too will be deported to a country other than the United States, since I cannot prove “Pure American Ancestry.” I just ask one thing: whoever the last “Native American” to leave is, be sure and turn out the lights and lock the doors. We do not want to run up the electric bill or have anything stolen while we are gone.